All I can think about is wearing these into a 7-11, and then proceeding to pour scalding hot coffee all over my feet. Lawsuit, anyone? My defense: "It wasn't on purpose, I obviously LOVE 7-11, look — I'm wearing their Crocs!" … [Read more...] about 7-11 Crocs… This Is Not A Joke.
I wrote that title and it almost sounded like I was going to write, "My Gramma's Hand Maiden," nope, I meant "My Gramma's Hand Towel," nothing sexual here, move along. It's one of the many everyday items I saved after she died in January — foreshadowing what kind of year 2020 was going to be. Anyways, I put it aside, because, well, it still smelled of her in a way, smelled of the old house. I … [Read more...] about My Gramma’s Hand Towel
After I wrote that headline, it doesn't actually seem that obscene, I mean cheese and beer, right — except for the fact that milk is supposed to add like a creaminess while beer would probably counteract with the cheese-packet powder like a science-project volcano eruption. Anyways! I'd been craving mac and cheese, so I started boiling the six cups of water — is it just me or does SIX CUPS of … [Read more...] about Making Macaroni And Cheese With Beer Instead Of Milk?
I was looking through some old emails and found this gem I wrote in 2009 when I was trying to get a job at The Onion. Pretty good if I do say so myself! "Afraid that a passion for adopting and rearing lots of children is fueling the psychosis of people like Octomom Nadya Suleman, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have decided to put their six children up for adoption. 'You try to do a good thing … [Read more...] about Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt To Put Own Kids Up For Adoption
Last night we were listening to Christmas music and during "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" my boyfriend said, "Isn't this song a little creepy? Santa sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...is Santa some kind of stalker or something?" And then this morning my friend Liza posted this Santa toilet seat cover on Facebook with the caption, "This is fucking terrifying Amazon." … [Read more...] about “He Sees You When You’re Pooping…”