Seriously, the creepy woman whispering “Shhh” in the trailer — that’s the best part of Shutter Island. But the end even ruined that part because you’re like — this woman’s really crazy, how could they get her in on this whole orchestrated plot? I love you, crazy woman. She should get an Oscar for “Best Featured Performance In a Trailer To Get People To Go See a Lackluster Movie.” … [Read more...] about Shhh…”Shutter Island” Not the Shit
A Note to All Drivers
I was almost out of gas, and stuck in this waiting-for-the-millionth-train-to-pass line of cars. Then I spot a gas station. Or was it an auto repair place. Gas station! So I turn left at the light, and am waiting to turn into Ass-Saver Oasis, my car lurking. And I'm trying to nose into a line of cars, that, yes, has the green light, but if I didn't get to that pump, the road would see a higher … [Read more...] about A Note to All Drivers
D-Bag Buzz
So I was in Dixon, IL — Ronald Reagan's boyhood hometown — the kind of place where you eat a frozen banana dipped in that chocolate stuff that dries, cracks and peels like paint, while watching towering corn crop sprayers ramble down the road. I was at this gallery opening — a local high school art teacher did the judging, there was free white zin and good cookies — and this woman's backside … [Read more...] about D-Bag Buzz
Garbage Pail Spoon
I don't know about you, but wherever I'm living, there's usually one trash can that rarely gets emptied. And when you finally spill the contents into some bag, you discover this strata of memories from your personal timeline, right? Like this fluorescent-green spoon for instance. It has a face, boobs, pubic hair and a necklace (because she's obviously very stylish) drawn on with purple marker. … [Read more...] about Garbage Pail Spoon